doubledover

this never happened

2006-04-18T09:25:00.000-07:00

Brian: When do you want to go to lunch?
Kim: i was thinking the usual time. why?
Brian: what's the usual time?
Kim: well... later than this..
Brian: is that noon?
Kim: ya, around noon, give or take...
Brian: leave at noon or arrive at noon?
Kim: *sigh* whatever! when do you want to be there?
Brian: doens't matter, but I don't like it when you get mad at me for not being there on time and I didn't know which time you meant
Kim: i don't get mad
Brian: you get SCREAMING mad...
and you hit me..
with your gorilla hands...
and take away my pudding!

when should you cry?

2006-04-05T11:37:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking a lot about this entry from Dooce. It's about how she got her daughter to sleep at night when she was younger (six months, maybe?). Anyway, it's not so much the post as the close-to-500 comments that got me thinking. There was quite an uproar over the Cry-It-Out (CIO) method of sleep training. Many of the commenters believed that it was cruel and unusual punishment - letting your baby cry all alone in a crib by themselves. Their reasoning was: why would you go against instincts as a parent? They asked: if it's so hard on you, as a mother - if you sit on the other side of the door and cry on your husband's shoulder as you listen to your wee infant sob - why, then would you do it? Their platform: "Forcing your infant to scream in terror so you can meet YOUR needs while completely ignoring the needs of someone you *claim* to love more than anyone in the world... is selfish at best...cruel at worst."

Wow.

You know what I think? I think that sleep training is merely the FIRST time you will have a tear in your beer because your dear little angel is crying in the other room. It's not about ignoring their needs, it's about establishing positive habits. Just this morning I dropped my two-year-old off at daycare. He was screaming because he just wanted "one more hug". The thing is, this was about the fifth "one more hug" I had given him. It tore my heart out to walk away from him as he sobbed, "pleeease, Mommy, one more hug!" And yes, I choked back the tears as I got in my car. And yes, I felt guilty as hell. It's not as if he was asking for candy or a new toy - he was pleading for my love. I called the daycare when I got to work so I could make sure he was ok. His teacher reassured me, "oh yes! He's fine. He was upset for a little while, but he's playing blocks with his friends now." And you know what else? I'm fairly certain that when he sees me tonight and I can give him that "one more hug" he will have totally forgotten how upset he was this morning (even if I haven't). But that's what being a parent is all about - teaching your child, even if it’s a hard lesson.

underwires

2006-03-24T13:51:00.000-08:00

While driving along the interstate the other day I saw a delivery van for a company called "Ace Women's Underwires". Underwires. A whole company dedicated to the manufacture, sale and distribution of underwires. The accompanying graphic led me to believe that the sold strictly underwires, not underwire bras. Just the underwire part. It's just not something that I think much about. It never occurred to me that someone had to make those. But giving it further thought I am still perplexed. Is the manufacture of underwires so labor-intensive that it deserves it's own company? Why wouldn't bra manufacturers just cut their own? Is it that specialized? Even if you were to produce different types of underwire bras (say, metal and plastic) you wouldn't think that you'd need to order the part. Even factoring in the size differences, surely there's some sort of machine that could be adjusted to cut different sizes of underwire material.

It got me thinking about other, similar products. What else would be just as ridiculous? So my criteria is:
1. It has to be product-specific. For example, zippers would not be a good example because zippers have many varied uses.
2. It can't be used in a do-it-yourself capacity. I imagine there are a few people out there that make their own underwire bras, but not enough, probably, to warrant and entire industry. Candle wicks would be a good example of this - lots of people make candles so there's probably enough to warrant a candle wick company.
3. Although it might be product-specific (say, fish tank rocks), it can't be bought separately. You can't buy a bra and then pick out an underwire to go with it.
4. Similarly, it's not usually replaced. Microwave trays, for example. If yours broke, you might just buy the tray and not the whole microwave.
EDITED TO ADD:
5. That thing is the only thing that company makes. For example, clothes-pin springs would probably not qualify, because clothes-pin spring companies probably make springs of all varieties, wouldn't you think?

I came up with a few items that would fall under this criteria (underwires being one):
* Swiss Army Knife Forks
* Mr. Potato Head Lips
* trash bag draw strings
* eyeshadow applicator tips

Can you think of more?

Two quick back stories then the real story

2006-02-25T08:16:00.000-08:00

Tuesday was not a great day. First of all, Brian's office was freezing - 56 degrees. So he posted notes around the office that read:

Notice!
In order to improve productivity and reduce costs, all office thermostats in the IS areas will now only operate at sub-freezing temperatures. To avoid hypothermia or frostbite, please keep productive. And remember, personal heaters are not allowed. Thanks.
The Management

His boss' boss wanted to know who put the signs up. Apparently he was not amused. Then, on the way to the accountant's office, I rear-ended Brian's car. That's right. I banged right into it. We were in stop-and-go traffic and he stopped and I go'ed. By the time we got to the accountant's office we were both in horrible moods. I was even a little teary-eyed. Brian went out to talk to the cops* while I stayed inside to try and get our taxes taken care of.
Now our accountant's name is Doris Fischer. Her husband, Claude, is older than dirt and is her acting secretary.** They have an office in a converted 5-room (total) house in the heart of Eastlake. It's paint, wallpaper and decor are all pretty much original. At least, they probably have not been replaced since the 50's. The whole house leans slightly to the left. But, my dad used her, my granddad used her, and my great-uncle still uses her, so there we were, for the 8th year in a row (or so).
I sat in Doris' office choking back tears, trying to get through our yearly deductions.
"Honey, do you need a co-cola?"
"No, thank you. I'm ok."
"Ya'll have had such a hard day! *sigh* I tell ya! We're just 'gone pray for the Lord to be with you! That's all you can do!"
Being from the south I'm familiar with folks saying they'll pray for you. It's practically common courtesy. Just like, "How's your mom'n 'em?" and "let's get some lunch, y'ownt to?" So I replied, "oh, thank you Doris. I appreciate that." And went back to my receipts...
"DEAR HEAVENLY FATHER..."
I looked up and realized abruptly that Doris had her head bowed. "Oh! Now!" I said as I lowered my head.
"... please be with Kim today as we do her taxes, Lord! Please help us give her good news, Lord, she needs some good news today, Claude..."
Did she just say CLAUDE instead of God?
"...please help this young couple know, Lord Jesus in heaven, that this fender bender is just part of life, and we thank you, Heavenly Father, that nobody was hurt. We just ask, Claude.."
Ok, she CLEARLY said Claude that time.
"... that you touch Brian's boss today, Lord, that he knows that Brian was just tryin' to get a decent working environment for himself and his coworkers. He didn't mean anything by that note, Claude, he was just young."
I peeked with one eye to see if Claude was actually standing in the doorway. Maybe she WAS asking Claude to touch us... I'd need to be ready for that. While I don't normally enjoy praying with my accountant, I kinda thought that praying to Claude was nice. I've been doing a lot since then. "Claude, please help me get through this conference call without killing someone." "Claude, thank you for giving me the patience to watch two straight hours of Elmo." "Please touch the calculator, Claude, such that I might have more money in my checking account than I think I have." I really think it's helped my outlook on life.

*Who's first response was, "you called the COPS on your WIFE?!?"
** When he called me to make my appointment we got everything all scheduled. He called me back five minutes after we hung up. "Ms Cornett, I wanted to see if you needed to make an appointment?" "No, Claude, we just got off the phone. We just made an appointment." "Ok, then. I guess you’re all set!"

The Mechanical Contrivium

2006-02-03T07:36:00.000-08:00

Ten Top Trivia Tips about Kim!

In her entire life, Kim will produce only a twelfth of a teaspoon of honey.
Kim can remain conscious for fifteen to twenty seconds after being decapitated.
Kim was originally green, and actually contained cocaine!
Kim cannot jump!
The Church of Scientology was founded in 1953, at Washington D.C., by Kim.
Kim is the oldest playable musical instrument in the world!
Kim can not regurgitate!
It is bad luck to light three cigarettes with the same Kim.
The Kim-fighting market in the Philippines is huge - several thousand Kim-fights take place there every day.
Britain's Millennium Dome is more than double the size of Kim.

4 Things Meme

2006-02-01T11:45:00.000-08:00

Four jobs I've had:
Lifeguard
Camp Councilor
Convenience Store Clerk
Video Rental Clerk

Four Movies I can watch over and over:
LotR (RotK) (How’s THAT for geeky! A nerd movie in acronym format.)
Forrest Gump
The Color Purple
Desperado

Four Places I've Lived:
Camden, AL
Montevallo, AL
Homewood, AL
Hoover, AL
(that’s just sad!)

Four TV shows I love:
LOST
Boston Legal
The Office
The Daily Show
(there are so many more, this is just a sampling!)

Four places I've vacationed:
Cancun, Mexico
London, England
Athens, Greece
PCB, BAY-BEE!

Four of my favorite dishes:
Sushi (almost any kind)
Rare roast beef with bearnaise sauce
Beans and rice (of pretty much any variety)
White chicken chili
(I could go on and on – I like so many things!)

Four sites I visit daily:
Defective Yeti
Yahoo!
IMDB
ABC 33/40 Weather

Four places I would rather be right now:
In a warm bubble bath
On the beach
In London
At the movies

Four bloggers I'm tagging/slightly alienating:
(since Steph took one of mine and steph IS one of mine, I only have two, neither of which is likely to do it!)
Brian
Michael

Brokeback Mountain

2006-01-20T07:10:00.000-08:00

Steph: Ya know, if it's an epic love story, I really don't care who's involved in it, as long as they're good looking. And I don't have to tell you they are. :D

Kim: I keep going back and forth on who's better looking, but I'm sorta leaning toward Jake... I have a thing for mischievous smiles. =)

Steph: Ok, then I think I'll take Heath. You know I like 'em a little rougher around the edges. :)

Steph: You realize we're calling dibs over two actors in a gay romance. Just pointing out the irony. ;)

Not-So-Helpful Desk

2006-01-17T14:38:00.000-08:00

So I just got off the phone with the help desk. Here's the conversation:
*scene* Kim can't sign on to the system. She consults the documentation which says to call the Help Desk at (number given)
Help Desk Operator: Help Desk, this is Ron
Kim: Hi, Ron. I can't sign on to the system. It keeps telling me my user ID has been revoked. Can you help me with that?
HDO: well, I don't know! We're not programmers. *snickers like I'm a dumbass*
Kim: well, you ARE the Help Desk, right?
HDO: yes.
Kim: Then who should I call?
HDO: I guess I can give it a shot. what's your ID?
Kim: PMG07000
HDO: I've never heard of an ID like that.
Kim: I'm sorry to hear that.
HDO: PMG07000?!!?
Kim: Yes, that's right.
HDO: *sigh* hold on a sec... *muffled talking to a coworker* Ma'am? Try it now.
Kim: ok. *pause* nope, still says that my ID has been revoked.
HDO: *giant sigh* ok, I'm going to walk you through this.. in your user ID field type P M G 0 7 0 0 0. In the password field, type your password.
Kim. Ok, that's what I'm doing. *pause* Still revoked.
HDO: sounds like you've been revoked.
Kim: yes, it would seem so.
HDO: You'll have to call back tomorrow.
Kim: ok, who should I speak with?
HDO: just call this number.
Kim: will you answer?
HDO: I hope not.

Being a Mother: an essay

2006-01-11T11:07:00.000-08:00

I've been thinking a lot lately about Being a Mother. Brian and I have been casually discussing the possibility of a second child. While I would love nothing more than having another little bundle of joy to cuddle, I have some serious doubts about it. The doubts are not even financial. They are emotional. I'd like to also define these doubts as "practical" although some might disagree.

I guess I just can't get a good picture in my brain of what it would be like to have an infant and a toddler at the same time. I know, of course, that by the time it actually happened Eliot would not be a toddler anymore. But I just can't get past that fuzzy picture in my mind. When Eliot was an infant the days were wonderful. He was such a happy baby - hardly ever cried. But the nights dragged on forever; sitting in the nursery in the dark with this tiny creature who refused to sleep unless there was a nipple firmly clenched in his jowls. I have a theory that post-partum depression might be nothing more than sleep-deprivation.

The night was a strange time. I never realized what went on while I was in the safety of slumber, oblivious. The rocker was positioned below the heating vent. I would sit through several cycles, first freezing then sweating as the heat turned off and on. I'd glance over at the stairwell and imagine intruders, monsters, ghosts sneaking their head around the corner slowly, angry that they were unable to move about freely. I'd hear Brian snoring in the other room and get jealous. The jealousy would turn to anger, the anger to sadness, the sadness to loneliness, then finally (as the room gradually lightened with the morning sun) - depression.

Usually about the time I convinced myself that I would surely perish all alone in the nursery, I heard Brian stirring in the bedroom. Soon Eliot would detach himself from my breast and fall soundly asleep, still making little sucking motions with his mouth. Finally exhaustion would overcome me. I'd awaken several hours later, feeling fully functional (or, at least moderately functional). It was during the daytime that I could completely fall in love with every inch of Eliot's tiny body. From the very beginning of his life, he would look at me with such recognition; he knew exactly who I was. He spoke volumes with his eyes, even before he could focus them.

It was Eliot's eyes, during those endless nights, which comforted me. "Don't worry, Mommy, everything will be ok. I love you, and I know you love me. Don't cry, you're not alone." All of this without even being able to hold up his head on his own. His gaze reflected his old soul. Or maybe it was just exhaustion-induced hallucination - who's to say?

I go back and read my journal entries from that time and recall how my marriage and my friendships suffered, falling victim to my acute loneliness. Would the second time be any easier, knowing now what I would be in for? At least the emotion wouldn't take me by surprise. Then again, I was completely blindsided by the intensity of my love for Eliot. And it was not the love itself, but the fact that it stunned me that permeates my memory of that time.

"Labor is a pain you forget." Physically, this is true. I don't remember the pain of contractions, and due to the epidural, I never experienced the so-called "ring of fire". The recovery in the following weeks was tough, but I only know this from reading my journal. The emotional pain, however, has been a little harder for me to forget. I'll concede, though, that the euphoria was worth it. This holds even as Eliot gets older - the good times outweigh the bad. The more I think about Being a Mother the more I know in my heart that I want to do it again. In the end, I'm sure the desire will overpower my trepidation. And next time Eliot will be old enough to hug me with more than his eyes.

2006-01-10T07:52:00.000-08:00

The best poem I've read in a while:

SMELL AND ENVY
By Douglas Goetsch

You nature poets think you've got it, hostaged
somewhere in Vermont or Oregon,
so it blooms and withers only for you,
so all you have to do is name it: primrose
—and now you're writing poetry, and now
you ship it off to us, to smell and envy.

But we are made of newspaper and smoke
and we dunk your roses in vats of blue.
Birds don't call, our pigeons play it close
to the vest. When the moon is full
we hear it in the sirens. The Pleiades
you could probably buy downtown. Gravity
is the receiver on the hook. Mortality
we smell on certain people as they pass.

(via Mighty Girl)

Ten of My New Year's Resolutions

2006-01-04T10:22:00.000-08:00

1. To quit spontaneously bursting into AC/DC's hit song "Shook Me All Night Long". And if I slip up, to have the self-control to limit it to one verse.
2. Start sending fan mail to William Shatner.
3. Start devoting at least a few of my powers to evil.
4. To stop having erotic dreams about Steve Burns.
5. To buy new bras to replace the last ones I bought in 2002.
6. To get that stupid Laurie Berkner song out of my head, which might take ALL YEAR!
7. Start expressing my innermost feelings in Haiku form.
8. Try to figure out exactly when I "jumped the shark" and lost all my coolness.
9. Quit singing karaoke. It never works out. I don't know why I keep thinking it'll be fun.
10. Save up enough money for a plasma TV to hang above my mantle.

True Story

2005-12-21T15:50:00.000-08:00

Public restrooms; let's talk about it. First of all, let's just get this straight. Normally I don't think much about public restrooms at all. But if forced to think about them I would categorize them as necessary evils. Sometimes I get a little harassment from the Peanut Gallery because of my aversion to going number-two in public restrooms. I understand that everyone poops. And I know that the best place for such occurrences is, in fact, the restroom. But it's not me I'm worried about.
My resolve was strengthened this morning. After a bowl of oatmeal and two cups of coffee my needs overpowered my trepidation and I found myself in the "stealth bathroom". I had been there a while and thought I was home-free, when I heard the door open and my heart sank. As everyone with restroom issues knows, you have to preserve anonymity at all costs. So I would just have to wait her out. But things went from bad to worse when all of a sudden she broke the silence with a hearty, booming, "OOOH GIRL! I SHO DO STANK UP IN HEAH!" I was so shocked that the anonymity clause flew out the window. Before I knew what had happened I had yelled back, "UHM, HELLO! I'm sitting RIGHT HERE!!" I heard the woman crinkling paper in her stall. "All right, now, honey," she boomed, "I gots me some lysol spray right heah." I have no clue if she brought the Lysol with her or if it was just convieniently in her stall. I don't even know if she actually had any or if she was just trying to be funny. But I finished up and fled the scene quickly, before things could get any worse.
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why I have issues with going number two in public restrooms.

2005-12-12T12:56:00.000-08:00

You Are Chinese Food

Exotic yet ordinary.People think they've had enough of you, but they're back for more in an hour.

What Kind of Food Are You?

Kim's Neuroses

2005-12-09T11:18:00.000-08:00

This is why I think you should always give the benefit of the doubt and you should not assume. It's so easy to get all wrapped up in your head, second-guessing motives and such. Really, though, it's usually not about you. More often than not, I'm on the receiving end of the assumption. Someone will think that I'm mad at them or that I've done something uncaring to them on purpose, when really, it had nothing to do with them at all. That is one of my biggest hang-ups; constantly thinking that someone is mad at me for something that I didn't even know about. I really have an irrational, almost phobia of that very thing happening. I wonder if there's a word for that phobia... Maybe "blindsideaphobia". One of the most horrible symptoms of Blindsideaphobia is an annoying vocal tick: the phrase "are you mad at me" will fling itself from my lips before I know it. But I just can't bear the thought that someone might have a problem with me and I didn't even know I did anything wrong. I think that's why the aforementioned story threw a brief knot in my stomach. I couldn't help thinking "Oh, CRAP! Have I done that?!" I mentally ran through all the times I've helped someone move, thinking, "I gotta call them - make sure nobody's mad at me." Of course I repressed that silliness, I didn't actually call anyone. But the mere fact that it crossed my mind is enough to verify that I still suffer my illness.

Parenting 101; Lesson 1: How to make it a Learning Experience

2005-12-08T09:02:00.000-08:00

After four months of good behavior we got another incident report from school yesterday. Apparently some kid was sprawled all over Eliot and wouldn't get off. So Eliot bit him. And got written up. Ya, that seems fair, right? WOE unto his Permanent Record. Here's the conversation that Brian and I had regarding the Incident:

Brian: The biting thing though we still need to work on
Kim: ya, but i'm back to the - "i don't really know what to do when we're not around" bit
Brian: We need to teach him how to hurt kids without leaving bruises ; )
Kim: LOL
Brian: no mark, no incident report
Kim: good point
Brian: and another kid learns a valuable lesson about space and ownership

it's not the heat....

2005-12-07T11:24:00.000-08:00

I woke up with the worst headache known to man this morning. I guess it didn't help that I was awoken at 5AM by soft little "mommy"'s from the other room. The softness grew quickly to loudness and by 5:15 it was full-on yelling and jumping. "MOMMY! MOMMY!" *squeak squeak of crib-jumping* "MOMMYMOMMYMOMMY!" So there I found myself in the kitchen before sunrise searching desparately for ibprofen. Beloved swears it was last night's wine, but I disagree. How could something so yummy and refreshing be so evil? Personally I think it's the change of weather. Specifically, the heat that's drying the air at night. I'm seriously thinking of investing in a whole-house humidifier. Cause, you know, we've got all that extra money. At any rate, there in the kitchen, at ridiculous hours of the morning, head pounding with every "mommy" jump above my head, I thought of my childless friends. How they must be snoozing away at that very moment - comfey and warm, all snuggled in their beds. And for a brief moment I hated them. Sometimes I wonder why I did this to myself. I should say, for disclaimer's sake, that I love Eliot and I love being a mom... But crawling back up the stairs this morning I felt a little like Frodo at the end of Lord of the Rings. "No, Sam, I can't recall the taste of food... nor the sound of water... nor the touch of grass" Nor the serenity of sleep.

100 things

2005-11-16T13:41:00.000-08:00

1. I keep reading these "100 things" lists, and it just seems like a great way to get to know yourself - in a stream of consciousness kind of way.
2. I don't think I'll make it to 100.
3. I'm going to try not to list anything about my son on this "100 things" (except this, of course). I'd like to think that there are still at least 100 things about me that don't pertain AT ALL to being a parent. Maybe next I'll make "100 things about being a mom" list or something.
4. I've been with the same man for ten years and married for five. I don't regret a single day. I literally love him more today than the day we married.
5. I won't apologize for the sappiness of #4.
6. I love board games. But I hate Monopoly. Mostly I like obscure German games or games most people have never heard of. But I also like silly party games like Pictionary.
7. One of the saddest times in my life was when my grandmother died. I miss her more than I do my dad. Sometimes that makes me feel guilty.
8. I don't know if I believe in God or not. The logical side of me says "Uh-uh - no way!" But the dreamer side of me says "how can there NOT be?"
9. Even though I'm back and forth on the whole God thing, I definitely believe in ghosts. Not only that, but I talk to the people that have died in my life, as if praying to them. For example, "Dad, I have a big interview today. I really need you by my side. Thanks for giving me the skills that I need to accomplish this."
10. I love to do arts and crafts, but I rarely like the finished product. Most of those hobby-type of crafts look so "grandma". But I've dabbled in several - pottery, stained glass, bead-work, quilting and I'm pretty good embroidery.
11. I am a vehement and outspoken Pinko-commie, left-wing, liberal democrat. I know, I know that makes me no better than the holier-than-thou, my-way-or-the-highway, morality pushing conservative republicans. But those "W" stickers really stick in my craw!
12. I love television and I won't apologize for that either.
13. I don't read books. I wish I did. I'd like to be That Kind of Person. But I read so slowly that I lose interest before I even hardly get started.
14. I read Newsweek cover-to-cover every week, mostly in the bathroom. I really love Anna Quindlin.
15. Even though I'm not gay, I'm very outspoken on the subject of gay rights. I just feel like it's hard enough to find love and happiness - why try to take that away from someone?
16. I don't exercise. Again I wish I were That Kind of Person. But it always seems to get pushed aside in lieu of some other activity. Like list-making.
17. I like red wine and I like beer. Not so much the rest of the alcohols. Except sometimes I love me a Bloody Mary!
18. I spent a large portion of my life cussing like a sailor. I don't really remember starting cussing, and I never made a conscious decision to quit. But I have noticed a drastic decline in the profanities that fling themselves from my open mouth these days.
19. I kinda like getting my period every month. The lighter cramps sorta remind me that I'm alive! Of course, the heavier cramps still suck.
20. I like my mom. She's the most socially adept person I know. She's funny, talented, intelligent and open-minded. And I beam with pride when I tell someone that she's as liberal as me.
21. If we are going on a road trip, YOU can drive.
22. I love getting lost in the details. From writing computer code, to coloring in the lines. Paying attention to the details puts me in a trance and I lose all track of time.
23. I have insomnia. I've battled it all my life. I do all the things you're supposed to do, but some nights sleep just totally evades me.
24. I go to the grocery store almost every day.
25. I love jewelry that is a family heirloom. Really good stories always seem to surround "Grandma's ring". I also love the idea of giving it to someone special one day when I'm old.
26. I'm not a car person. I really don't care what kind of car you drive. I don't recognize cars on the road. I can't tell the difference between a Honda, Toyota and Mazda. If you ask me what kind of car I drive, I'll tell you "white".
27. I hate cleaning floors. I don't like mopping, sweeping or vacuuming.
28. I am a geek and I wholeheartedly embrace it!
29. I love video games, but not the sports kind.
30. I do not like sports (see #14 and #27). I can't think of anything more boring than watching a sporting event on TV.
31. I'm neither a cat nor a dog person. I could take or leave either. Right now I have two cats, but used to have a dog. But I don't need a pet to make my life complete.
32. My favorite time of year changes with the seasons.
33. I love Christmas! I love the lights, smells, sounds... I love the family and the tree and the presents... I love the magic and the Santa and the crisp air. I love it all!
34. We used to see snow at least once a year. Now I don't think it'll ever snow again.
35. Chewing gum is trashy and uncouth. But I do it anyway. A lot.
36. I don't like wearing skirts because I have ugly legs.
37. While I don't like sports, and I don't exercise, I do love to swim! I especially love skinny-dipping, although I don't get to do it very often.
38. There are very few foods that I do not like. I'll even eat those things that I am not particularly fond of. Like mushrooms and brussels sprouts. The only thing I can't abide is organ-meat. *Shiver*
39. I never had a security blanket, a teddy bear or a pacifier. I don't know why - I guess I just never needed it.
40. I'm not real big on birthdays. I mean, I like to be recognized and all that, but there's no need to make a big to-do over it.
41. I hardly ever buy new undergarments. It just slips my mind.
42. I've always wanted to live somewhere besides here. Anywhere - another state, another country, whatever. But I've always been too afraid to do it.
43. I love crime-drama shows. I watch every variety of CSI and Law and Order that they have. I also love forensic shows on the Discovery Channel. It amazes me that anyone gets away with murder these days!
44. I love to laugh! Things that are funny just positively make my day! One of my favorite things in the whole world is when I get in one of those laugh-so-hard-you-cry fits. You know, where you just can't stop? I love that! But I do not find most sit-coms or "comedy" movies very funny.
45. I know I should be more patient, but stupid people really irk me. I don't mind people that don't know something - I'm talking about the people that just don't want to learn.
46. I hate guilt. I don't like guilt-trips, sob stories, passive-aggression or silent treatments. If you ever catch me doing that, call me out!
47. I don't get angry very often but when I do I need some time to cool off before I discuss it. I don't like yelling, and I prefer to figure out why I'm really mad before I go off on something irrelevant.
48. When I was a kid, the very first career goal I had was to be a nurse. That's changed a lot over the course of my life, and I still haven't settled on one yet.
49. I don't have any interest in being rich, per se, but I would like to have a little more money. Please?
50. I like office supplies a lot. Like, almost to the point of being weird. Sometimes I order new pens from the supply catalog, even if I don't need them. I know - I'm wily like that.
51. I don't particularly care for sweets, but I LOVE salts. Mmmm... cheese curls!
52. I am not a germophone, and I should probably wash my hands more often.
53. I think I look really cute with short hair.
54. I love to listen to music, but I'm incessantly "tired of everything I have".
55. I can't remember a time in my life that I've ever been disappointed with a gift that I've received. Even if it's something that I'm not that in to I think, "well, this might be interesting to explore"
56. I love getting new clothes but I hate shopping for them. I always feel guilty about spending the money.
57. I love getting my hair washed at the salon.
58. My kind and loving husband rubs my back at least once a week.
59. If there were absolutely no consequences from it (health or otherwise), I'd be a smoker.
60. I don't really like cooking. I think it's because nothing I ever cook tastes as good as the food that you get from a restaurant or from my mom's house.
61. I'm not scared of them myself, but I can see how clowns could be creepy.
62. I am a horrible sunbather. I get so hot and bored.
63. I still have secret fantasies about being a movie star.
64. If I tell you, "don't get me anything" I really, truly mean it. I'm not giving you a guilt trip and I'm not going to be disappointed when you actually DON'T.
65. I don't really think I need cosmetic surgery, but if there were a reliable, permanent way to get rid of body hair I'd totally do that.
66. The first concert I ever went to was the Beach Boys at the Oak Mountain Amphitheater. I was in eight grade and one of my dad's friends took me and a couple of my girlfriends. He let us sit by ourselves. It rained. We thought we were sooooo cool!
67. I wish I had spent a little more time in school actually listening and learning.
68. I spent the first eight grades in self-contained gifted classes. Since I was around other smart kids I never realized how smart I was until I got to high school. By then it was too late.
69. One of my sisters was the Smart One. The other sister was the Athlete. I was always the One With So Much Potential. I used to think of that as a bad thing, but now I know they were right - I did - and still I do - have So Much Potential!
70. I love a good cry. Sometimes I'll watch a sad movie just to get the cry. The Color Purple always makes me cry.
71. I don't play a musical instrument but I wish I did.
72. I really have no interest in skydiving, but thanks for asking. And no, I don't think I'd love it if I just tried it. And I don't think it's something I really should try before I die. That doesn't make me boring, it makes YOU crazy. I can be just as exhilarated right here on the ground.
73. I love the beach. It's one of the few places that I can totally lose myself. The beach air is so very cleansing. And the ambient noise is hypnotizing. The ocean is so vast - you can’t help realizing how small and insignificant you are. But in a good way.
74. My friends mean the world to me. They have carried me through so many rough times. As long as I live I'll never be able to make it up to them.
75. I just can't get into Coldplay.
76. People who talk on the cell phone in public don't really bother me all that much.
77. I really like being married and not having to negotiate the perils of single-dom. That craziness if for the birds.
78. Going to bars just doesn't hold the same appeal as it used to. I can get a cheaper drink at home, in my PJ's, on a comfortable sofa (not a barstool or worse yet - STANDING), turn on music that I like, at a reasonable volume so I can enjoy a nice, leisurely conversation with my beloved. Now, doesn't that sound nice? As an added bonus I don't have to worry about being or having a Designated Driver.
79. I can't think of anything weird that my body does. I don't have double-joints or special ear-wiggling abilities.
80. I love doing yoga, but alas, that's fallen by the wayside lately. Yes, I AM one of those obnoxious people that professes that it really makes you feel better if you just do it for a while!
81. My schoolgirl crushes change all the time, but right now here are the five men on my Laminated List: Brad Pitt (shows no sign of falling off in the near future), Matt Damon (shut up - you know he’s better than Ben Afflek!), Antonio Banderis (yes, I know he's short in real life. So am I), Joaquin Phoenix (everyone welcome the newest member to this exclusive club), and Johnny Depp (a hold-over from my Teenage Angst days)
82. Speaking of which, I was a Teenager in Angst. I wore black, moped, and listened to The Smiths - the whole nine yards. Looking back, I don't even know why I did all that. I guess to me it was better than being a silly, peppy cheerleader type. Ya, I guess I'd still make the same decision today, if those were my only two options.
83. I hate shaving. It's itchy and oppressive. I keep up with my armpits pretty well, but my legs sometimes get neglected.
84. I love the term "whore's bath"
85. I don't have a favorite color. I like different colors for different situations. For example, my favorite wall color is red. My favorite clothing color is brown. My favorite flower color is purple. Sticky notes - orange.
86. I'm very selfish when it comes to my time. I think it's very important to make time for yourself. So I quit doing everything by 9:00 every night (sometimes earlier). 9:00 - 10:00 is MY time to sit on the sofa and relax. Even if there are dishes in the sink and clothes in the dryer.
87. I love ghost stories. They scare the bejesus out of me, but I can't get enough of them. I have always loved them - even as a kid. They are fascinating!
88. I love foreign food. Thai is probably my favorite, but I also love Japanese. And I can't go a whole week without a Mexican fix. I also love Italian, but only if it's done really well. When I was growing up my favorite "special meal" was always spaghetti.
89. My parents never rewarded good grades with money, like a lot of parents did. Instead, we got to pick the meal that night. My sisters and I would never choose typical favorites of young people (except for my spaghetti fondness). Never something easy for my parents, like pizza. Oh no! It was always something crazy, like filet mignon with béarnaise sauce, or shrimp linguini or prime rib or something like that.
90. It took me several years to learn to drive a stick shift car. Everyone kept telling me to think of it as a balance, but I didn't get it. I'd stall out every time. Then a friend told me to think of the clutch as a gas pedal. After that it just clicked! That's all it took and I never stalled again.
91. We have a computer room/study in our house that I have not used since we moved in. Since we have had laptops there's just no need. We should turn that room into something COOL, like a disco or something!
92. There are absolutely no decent radio stations where I live, unless you count NPR.
93. Having a fire in the fireplace is just soothing, ya know?
94. I often dream about flying and that's pretty cool. But my coolest recurring dream is about swimming, but without having to come up for air.
95. Having braces really sucks. Don't let anyone tell you "it's not that bad".
96. I'm not real big on smelly lotions. I like the idea of them, but never end up using them once I have them. But we go through TONS of Udder Balm in our house!
97. Although I'm not a germaphobe (see #52), there are some things that I find kinda gross and germ-ridden that most people find mundane. Like birds and carpet.
98. I don't think that the low-carb diet is healthy. Sure, it's knocks off the pounds, and there are some aspects that are healthy. We could all do with fewer French fries in our lives. But I can't get behind a diet that limits fresh fruits and vegetables and whole grains as a lifestyle.
99. Themes in this list: food, sports/athletics, money, cars and ghosts/dead people.
100. It took me as long to do the first forty as it did to do the last ten.

light bulb joke

2005-01-27T07:47:00.000-08:00

Q: How many Bush Administration officials does it
take to screw in a light bulb?

A: None.
There is nothing wrong with the light bulb; its
conditions are improving every day. Any reports of its
lack of incandescence are a delusional spin from the
liberal media. That light bulb has served honorably
and anything you say undermines the lighting effect.
Why do you hate freedom?

NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE

2005-01-27T07:45:00.000-08:00

This is apparently penned by John Cleese, and I can't find anything to dispute that. If you have evidence otherwise, please let me know:

To the citizens of the United States of America, in the light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy.

Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium." Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise." You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation.

Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary."

Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed." There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often.

2. There is no such thing as "US English." We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize."

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon." If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American "football." There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby sevens side by 2005.

You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders," which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day."

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer," and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager." The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Knat's Urine," with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Knat's Urine." This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

13. >From November 10th the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline," as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon get used to it).

14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

16. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

Thank you for your co-operation.