when should you cry?
I've been thinking a lot about this entry from Dooce. It's about how she got her daughter to sleep at night when she was younger (six months, maybe?). Anyway, it's not so much the post as the close-to-500 comments that got me thinking. There was quite an uproar over the Cry-It-Out (CIO) method of sleep training. Many of the commenters believed that it was cruel and unusual punishment - letting your baby cry all alone in a crib by themselves. Their reasoning was: why would you go against instincts as a parent? They asked: if it's so hard on you, as a mother - if you sit on the other side of the door and cry on your husband's shoulder as you listen to your wee infant sob - why, then would you do it? Their platform: "Forcing your infant to scream in terror so you can meet YOUR needs while completely ignoring the needs of someone you *claim* to love more than anyone in the world... is selfish at best...cruel at worst."
Wow.
You know what I think? I think that sleep training is merely the FIRST time you will have a tear in your beer because your dear little angel is crying in the other room. It's not about ignoring their needs, it's about establishing positive habits. Just this morning I dropped my two-year-old off at daycare. He was screaming because he just wanted "one more hug". The thing is, this was about the fifth "one more hug" I had given him. It tore my heart out to walk away from him as he sobbed, "pleeease, Mommy, one more hug!" And yes, I choked back the tears as I got in my car. And yes, I felt guilty as hell. It's not as if he was asking for candy or a new toy - he was pleading for my love. I called the daycare when I got to work so I could make sure he was ok. His teacher reassured me, "oh yes! He's fine. He was upset for a little while, but he's playing blocks with his friends now." And you know what else? I'm fairly certain that when he sees me tonight and I can give him that "one more hug" he will have totally forgotten how upset he was this morning (even if I haven't). But that's what being a parent is all about - teaching your child, even if it’s a hard lesson.
posted by Kim @ 11:37 AM
4 Comments:
*long-ass comment to follow. I know, I know - get your own blog!*
Well look at the other side of the coin - what if you give in to every "one more hug"? You'd be there all day doing that. And the kid learns to manipulate you. I think you have to give reasonable compliance and then move on, you know? Here's your hug, here's another, now Mommy's gotta go to work, and that is How Things Are. The daycare teachers will tell you it's best just to walk (I've gotten some of my best advice from them, BTW, because they are with kids ALL DAY!). I thought that was cold and unfeeling, but after trying it both ways, I found that you either eventually have to break away, even after 1500 extra hugs, or you have to be deceptive and wait till they start playing and "sneak" out. I would prefer to have LL know How Things Are and see that I have to go to work than to have her think I'm deceptive and I'm going to sneak out on her. Because I don't want her to think she could be playing sometime and I would just be gone.
But I agree with so many of the comment posters on that other post - you have to do what is right for YOU and for YOUR CHILD. You already see that every one (children and parents) is different.
Now, on a totally different subject, there's the Mommy Guilt. I feel guilty sometimes because my head tells me one thing, and my heart tells me another. *I* want one more hug in the mornings myself, sometimes....
(sorry for the long comment - we can continue this convo sometime over the beverage of your choice. I'm buying!)
Steph - that's exactly it! I believe that just because you have a kid, you are still a person too. You have to be able to meet both your needs AND your kid's. Ya, Mom Guilt is horrible. That's what makes you cry on the other side of the door when you are trying to sleep trian your baby. But, you are doing a disservice to your child if you don't teach them to be independant (a little bit at a time, of course).
I guess what got me all riled up was the idea (on Dooce's comments) that sleep training your kid is selfish. On the contrary, I think it's selfish to NOT do it! And my point is that if you can't do THAT, then what happens when your kid is two? Six? Ten? Sixteen? When do you stop letting your kid manipulate you?
I agree about the manipulation. We forget that kids are people too. People want what they want, and when you are a kid you don't know how to prioritize desires. So you end up putting up the same amount of resistance to sippy-cup color as you do Mommy leaving you with at daycare. And because you have so little control over not only the world, but yourself, out of control responses are always right around the corner. Eliot's frustration level rises to meteoric heights so quickly right now so it's easy for us to try and do anything to calm him down. But on the important things in life, we have to make a stand. Sure you can have the green sippy cup instead of the blue one, but we have to leave now so that Mommy doesn't get fired. So no, I have no problem with leaving him. It's part of life. We can't always be together, and it would be boring if we were. I certainly don't want him living in our basement when he's 40.
Yeah, B, that's exactly it. You've got to stand your ground when it's important, but give E as much control as you can reasonably give him so that he learns what he can control, and how to make decisions. "You're going to drink milk (non-negotiable), but you can have it in the blue or the green cup." That business helps a LOT with 2-yr-olds, BTW. (Thank you, Baby Whisperer!)
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